church...choirs...and Nicole

Woke up quite late today and it was raining. Hopefully it stops in few more hours so that I could make it for the mass session. Since my last birthday, I said to myself that I mustn’t miss any more masses. And that’s a promise I made to myself.

Finally there and as usual I would glance at the first few rows to find suitable seating. As I made my way to the front, from the tail of my eyes, I could see some heads turned watching me strolling down the aisle and of course some of the girls too. This I barely mind since I was like them a few years back in my teen, going to church on solely different purpose, to check out some hot chicks walking past us while pretending to be devout churchgoer. Ah…sweet memories. Check the time and I have about twenty more minutes to spare. So instead of sitting there doing nothing, I took out my Curious Incident novel and started to read it while in the background I could hear the choirs practicing some songs. What a ‘peaceful’ place to read a book.

It was time for the Holy Communion where we would move to the pathway in between the seating, leading up to the Grand Altar, forming queue as we were waiting for our turn to receive ours. Since the church has this architectural design which has the sides spanning like wings from west to east leaving itself with just about enough space to accommodate a junction-like seating, the parishioner would assist those who are seated at the front rows to the middle of the pathway. The same goes with the choir group that was seated at the front left row. Now as this group making their way to the pathway, someone just caught my eyes – a pretty face among the crowd. How come I never noticed her all this while? Was she the new choirgirl or something? Now that was quite a ‘distraction’ to the extent that I didn’t kneel down when I was supposed to. I think it’s okay since the mass was about to end anyway. Now forgive me Lord.

******

It’s 8:03pm. Went to the office, Nicole and Fanny were there. And so was Kong but entirely on a different mission. His? Feeding the marine fishes and them working on some projects. Nicole looks different today. She had her hair done differently. And yes we managed to joke around a bit. She has been staying back late for the past couple of days now. I wonder whether that’s what an Analyst Programmer does when there is a new project coming up. I mean like last Monday (Wesak’s Day) she was called up back to the office by ET to have something sorted out while she was at some shopping mall spending some quality time with her mother.

[Loyalty Week]- candid photo? 'thanks' to Seng Chai... 

attending a wedding mass at a SIB Church for a distance cousin..barely knew him though... 

my Good Friday

Today… how should I described, it was almost as good as it get. Why?

Jess Goo, one of my project team members was guiding me through this batch run to test one of our team’s pet projects for Taiwan. Since it running in it first cycle, as Catherine had told me weeks ago, lots and lots of problem would arise. It’s common scenario for someone we called ‘The Batch Runner, who are to be in charge of the development and testing process. Now since Tang (our team leader), Catherine and Jess had played their part in guiding me, I feel that I was feel more comfortable to have those two ladies to guide me instead. Still I didn’t mean to say that Tangwasn’t any good of a mentor but don’t know why but I do feel a bit intimidated by him. Despite the tight schedule and the hectic workload, I still managed to peek at the time on my desktop knowing very well that I would be off to Amcorp Mall anytime soon to have lunch with Magdeline. She if she never realized this, can easily make my day by just being there for lunch on Friday.

******

I was sitting there reading my new book when I turned my head and saw Mag walking toward me. She never failed to give her ever-charming smile. Wearing orange stripe colored body-hugging dress (obviously I’m not that good in naming a girl dress). And it has this v-shape neck-design with the lowest end stop between her cleavages. Sexy is the word. I must admit that I can’t recall my face expression at that moment. I mean was I smiling or just looking at her approaching me? Can’t believe that she cause me a blip in my memories but a good one nevertheless.

This time she decided the place to eat which was somewhere at the top floor. Honestly all this while I never knew that the mall do have fast food outlet like McD, Kenny Rogers and even Cineplex. Ah no, we didn’t go to any of them but to a small café which was the better version of Willie Café back in Kuching, serving some Chinese cuisines. A small café but quite packed with people and surprising among them, we bumped into my colleagues - Joey, Neo and another guy I don’t know what’s the name was again but I called him the pretty boy because he has this feminine feature looking face. I didn’t really expect them to be there as well. What a small world and the mall is indeed smaller. What am I blabbing about here. Say hi to them especially Joey. It’s kind of awkward for a moment. I remembered having this hi-bye chat with them but nothing can seem to make it less comedic than a few more words between Joey and me.

“erg Hi…” I said.
“Hi!” she replied.
I wanted to say something else to her when suddenly
“Hi…” I said to her again…
“Hi…” this time with a grinned on her face.

Magdeline seem a bit reluctant for us to have lunch there. Didn’t know why but I guess she was under the impression that I was to invite her to join those three. Wasn’t she’s the one who suggested that we had lunch there? Anyway I convinced her to have it here and we managed to find some seating inside the café (yup we didn’t join my colleagues). I don’t really mind coz I actually wanted to have lunch with her – alone. She was sitting opposite me and we ordered some foods and have some chats in between when after some time I realized that she looked a bit weary and tired. “Are you okay?” I asked. She said that she didn’t get enough sleep last night. Now I felt bad when I heard this because it was my idea to ask her to join me for lunch and yet she still made the effort to come along. Take that moment away, the rest was just excellent. And there was one time when I kept looking at her adorable face and those bewitching brown eyes without saying a word. How can I refuse that chance? Luckily for me that she didn’t smile while she was looking at me at that very moment, because if she did, she could have driven off me the roof.

I know it’s a bit exaggerating but the feeling that I felt was true. In my life only a few could make me feel the way I felt at that instant and that’s Rebecca. My grandest and truest love and errgh my ex-girlfriend. The reason why I left her remains a mystery even to me. just admit it Jamie, you left her because you were afraid of commitment . Well perhaps still am….

Fifteen minutes after 1pm, we decided to take a few puff of cigarettes and chat some more when the thought of me to say something to her keep playing in my mind. If it has been spontaneous, I would have said it out but…

******
Back in the office, I thought that’s when the fun end and I was wrong. Today we had this Loyalty Week where the staffs were encouraged to bring along their family members be it their wife/husband, children and so on, so that they have the chance to see their father/mother, sons/daughter at work. Sound more like a Family Day to me. Some free foods and drinks were served and most of us have to queue up and not only that we happened to have a few self appointed photographer for the event. Among them was one from our own clan (the third batch GTs) – Seng Chai. So I didn’t waste any moment to appear in every photo shoot as much as possible. I think I was snapped almost a dozens times and it was fun alright. These photos of me I must say was as silly as it can get. When Seng Chai showed some of them to my other colleagues, chains of laughter erupted so much for their delight. At least it has made their day.

Come to think of, she definitely made my day and me on the other hand doing the same deed to my colleagues. Now everybody having a good time…why shouldn’t I? Because starting next week, I’m definitely going to be quite busy playing my part preparing for the upcoming SIT (System Integration Test) for Taiwan. Phew!

what does it mean when...?

So this is the second time in a week that Fitri and I decided to have our lunch at DHL. Foods are cheap but worth it despite it distance. Maybe the reason that I never quite know Fitri was that’s he’s being a bit too reserve to himself but a mild mannered person which is always a good quality in a person.

*****

Now back in my cubicle, looked at the time and apparently still got half an hour to spare. Called Magdeline, and gosh how I miss listening to her sweet voice. Hmmm…I think that’s when I heard myself questioning myself

are u sure that she’s just a dearest friend or u’ve been subconsciously denying that she’s more than that to u? Jamie? what r u thinking Jamie?…

what if...?

Hooh haaahh…today’s public holiday and I supposed that nobody’s going to work but too bad the better of me relentless overwhelmed me to spent my day at the office. Maybe it’s a smart thing to do because I know myself very well that I would be restless the whole day if I didn’t do anything to finish my work, something trivial of course.

Off I go in my casual dress hoping that nobody significant to me would be there to see me in this outfit. Of course I look good in that but not my best. The first fifteen minutes was okay, just I have expected until I heard someone was walking toward my cubicle. Only to realize that it was Nicole – that cute girl sitting not far from my place and err…she’s with someone. Someone much older than her…ahhh I see that’s her mother. And I can sense that something might happen sooner or later. I mean that she would walked toward my cubicle and strike a conversation, which she simply did just as I’ve anticipated. I as usual would stumble and stuttered my tongue, talked nonsense in my effort to keep myself own excitement well hidden. That was so hard to do when my eyes keep affixed to hers. Not even dare to miss a glimpse of her adorable face. Now I can tell that she’s indeed a friendly colleague of mine. I was quite stiff with my expression but managed to ask her what brought her here to the office and found out she was in the middle of shopping spree with her mother when ET called her up to come to sort things out regarding the Cocteau Migration I guess.

******

It’s twenty minutes to 6pm and I think I better take a break. To the R&R room I went and sat there watching some TV program I don’t know what. And to be frank, I still have no clue why I keep sitting there unruffled by things that I watch maybe it wont be obvious that I was gazing beyond the room thinking serenely about nothing. I never knew that I could even find peace by doing just that. A moment later, a familiar voice brought me back to reality. I turned around and dumbfounded when I realized that it was her – Nicole. Now standing comfortably near me she asked ‘You still here?’ I just don’t know what to say to her because she was suddenly standing there unexpectedly but manage to get some way to make myself look relaxed. And there’s one time when we talked about cooking recipe and she cracked at my light jokes seem to enlighten me a bit.

The conversation which I initially thought to be a hi-bye seem to last a little bit longer. I have to admit that between our topics, there were a few moment of silence. Silence not because that we were running out of things to say but a moment that we intense locked into each other eyes. Of course I never have the intention to misinterpret her of being here talking to me other than being friendly person she is. It just that I keep wondering of the way she looked at me which seems possible to last longer without having a word been spoken. That was when I tempted to ask her questions which deem to be more than just plain questions – something much more personal. But I’ve calculated my risks and I think it’s just gonna make me look like I’m rushing into things. That was definitely a no no…so restraining myself from asking one or few was a good idea. Having to spend some decent time talking to her that evening was good enough for me.

Now if I have decided to ask her these personal questions…where will it take me? That my friends was another typical incident of ‘What if…?’

Haircut & Attitude

Now, that’s more like it. The new haircut just makes me look much well groomed. I like what I see in the mirror. Not too fancy but just okay. When I look good, I feel good and it shows. Spent the whole day in the office making others feel good instead.

late for a date...anyone?

I have a date with Radin later at noon but I’m a bit concern. The odd thing is that I can’t hardly remember her face, so hope she still remember mine. And there is this tiny problem. I forgot to bring my phone with me, guess that I left it back in my room. Gosh…of all the day?!!

******

Grab my book and headed myself straight to the LRT station 'cause my watch showed how late I was for the lunch. Once I got there, it's already 12:34pm. Darn it! Can't believe that i was going to leave such a bad impression to her after seven odd years of not seeing her (actually i haven't). I called her up and she's already half way enjoying her lunch at some food court in Ampang Park. Unbelievable, how could I be this late. So she said that she would came down to meet me.

Now I found myself in her shoes, playing the same waiting game all over again and I never knew that the girl who was there standing for quite sometimes besides me turned out to be her after all. What an irony!!! I can feel myself having a light chuckle of the whole incident. And I guess that was when I sensed that the date wouldn’t end with a bang…sigh.

Now sitting myself against her, I studied the way she look (cause it might turns out that she would be gone for another seven years; why not ‘cause happen before) and turned out she carried herself pretty well. Impressed I was. What else can I say? She’s someone with an impressive career – Academic Counselor…whoa!! So she’s into academic. Not bad.

Checked the time and it’s 1:42pm already and I supposed I was late for work…definitely.
Was it worth it? I guess so…if I take into account that I haven’t saw her in years…and just can’t explain why but my premonition telling that I wont be seeing her anytime soon…

perfect timing...

Picked up the phone and pressed the rigid keypad and after a few tones, a soft voice answered. From the sound of it I knew that calling Mag was kind of a bad idea after all but I was bored to death doing the trivial tasks at work, that’s all. Hell yeah just gave myself a try to meet up for lunch as planned for tomorrow but it just sound unsettling when she asked me to check my email instead. What? Of course I was a bit disappointed but it’s okay didn’t expect her to come for lunch anyway but it still left me feeling uneasy of what she have for me in the email.

*****

I won’t be able to sleep on it if I still can’t recall her name – the mysterious person of the week. So decided to call her up over dinner and asked her for her name. When she mentioned ‘Radin’, everything just fell to place. Have some decent chat with her and thought to myself since Mag wouldn’t be able to make it for lunch tomorrow, why don’t I just invite her instead. What a perfect timing. You did good, Jamie, real good,

Sound like a football match instead. One is injured and one is waiting at the bench, ready for the substitution, can’t wait… ‘cause the game is definitely on. Hopefully this time no foul is committed…sigh

what's her name again?

Met Ady at the R&R where the Blood Donation Campaign was on. So I guess he was waiting for his turn to donate his. So I reluctantly approached him to see what I can do for my part. Well ended up with me lying on a bed next to his waiting for my turn as well. I just can’t recall of me being an avid fan of blood and needles. And a moment ago, I just found out my blood type and it’s ‘A’. Actually I was a bit relief because initially I thought that I might not even passed the blood screening test knowing my past of sleeping with some of my female friends (it was a long long time ago). My concern over my own health condition was quite overwhelming back then. I guess it’s quite normal for a person to think of his or her own health condition from time to time. Just being vigilant that’s all.

******

What a dreadful day in the office with nothing much to do. I guess Gina was right when she said that most of the previous GTs were complaining about not getting anything much to do since the tasks that they get only came sporadically. We simply laugh it off ‘cause how could they even react in such a way since we thought that ‘no works, more fun’. And now we are totally aghast when we too experience the same fate…bored. Boredom can kill.

At that very instant my phone vibrated and I reluctantly went to reach my phone in my pocket and when I read the message, I almost jump out of my seat. Someone just send me a message and from the contents of it, she said that she is in KL rite now but she hardly describe who she really is except for the fact that Jess did introduced her to me while she was studying in St. Mary back in my hometown.

Now I could sense my blood rushing up and down, not knowing how to react to it. Could it be her? I forgot her name though. What does she wants? As I kept on speculating on things of this and that, my phone was vibrating again unattended. Sounded like she urgently needs to see me…but what for?

Maybe, things start to make sense now. About a week ago, Magdeline did mention about Jess wanting to know my number. Why did Jess have to ask her since I thought all this while, she does have my number in her phone. Now pointing this girl to my direction is somehow a dubious act. What is she up to this time? Settling the scores? Sigh…

Or perhaps I just being paranoid all along…did I?

‘So you had sex with her?’ she asked...

I was wide awake and checking the time and it’s ten minutes to 1 a.m, when lying on my bed and listening to some melancholy music didn’t help much to make me close my weary eyes cause I just can’t figure out why all these thoughts of my past keep running down my veins as feel like I was cursed to have them for my bedtime story:

~~Battle Of The Band, April ‘99~~

A reminisce of having me standing in front on a stage against a demanding crowds performing songs that we literally had few chances to rehearse was in fact an act of suicide by itself. I must admit that I took quite a few years to get over my disappointment on that very night on the April of ’99. Nevertheless, for months I could hear the word ‘embarrassment’ playing in my hollow mind over and over again;

~~on my birthday, April ‘05~~

‘So you had sex with her?’ Mag asked on my birthday.

I know it was like weeks ago when I heard question. That question without her even realizing it, have quite an effect on me for days. Couldn’t blame her though. That very question just keeps coming back to me as it wanting me to justify myself on something (but what). Why would these words ever have to come from Magdeline because by asking just that, I could sense a deep sense of regret for what had or hadn’t happened between me and Jess. I should have answered NO right away but that word just won’t come out of my mouth. I don’t think I owe her any explanation anyway. I do value my privacy that much and this I learned the hard way despite me growing up like any other mislead youth back in my early years. After that failed ‘relationship’ which never really was one after all, I began to notice an obvious tendency of mine which I never could explain before. I mean I do have this majestic lust in me but when it comes to having sex with a virgin, I just won’t allow my needs to go beyond that.

Am I being stupendously naïve? Or simply gay? Haha! Not likely. It just that whenever I’m sharing the same bed with a virgin, I keep telling myself that it’s simply not a right thing to do. Maybe it’s the matter of how I was raised in the family when I was a kid. Grateful I am.

Of all this chaotic emotion for my past, I guess I deserve myself a pat on the back…or do I?

me n my spending habits...

Went to St. John today and after the evening mass, I was undecided whether I should drag my ass back to the office to have something worked on or simply spent the lovely Sunday evening strolling down the crowded Sungei Wang shopping mall. And so I made up my mind and it’s the Sungei Wang it is. By around 9, I realized I spent quite a much on a book (yes another book by Dan Brown called Angels and Demons), some office attires and surprising three DVDs titles. Left myself to wonder when was the last time that I was so in the mood on such a spending mood.
Hmm...Did I learn it from someone? Doubt so…

where's my faith?

Ahh…it’s three in the afternoon and I have just finish reading the Da Vinci Code, leaving me wanting for more of the same genre. The book I must say was quite a page-turner (well not so until I’ve reach the first quarter of the book) and very enlightening experience. But the question remains – how far the claims in the books really stick to the facts and what does it left me to ponder on my religion itself…
Anyway, did some research (if that’s what people called it) on the Net, reading of articles depicting perspectives from both sides of school of thought…and by the end of the day, that very question is definitely at best – remains.
Well that’s the beauty of it, debating on these claims will take forever but one thing that I learned from this book is that – no matter how hard it is to prove our belief to make our conscience run clear, the only thing that count is what we called faith.
That’s it…faith is all I have and that’s what I’m counting on cause I better do!!!

Carcosa Sri Negara where?!

Have to stay at the office till 7pm until I decided to call it a day. Since Marina was attending her company function at the Carcosa Sri Negara, we drove all the way there to pick her up. To be frank, Ady and I wouldn’t be able to reach that place if it wasn’t for a city map by the roadside. Of course we were given a hand-drawn map that was supposed to guide us all the way there but it’s useless. What kind of person draws a map which apparently lacking of all the important landmark along the highway which for some of us might be useful? Spent about an hour to get there and by the time we reach the place, I was astonished, not knowing what this place is or who’s staying there. Is it a hotel or just one majestic residence on top of a hill with such a breathtaking view over KL city.

We waited for her just outside the residence when the urge for me to go for a pee drove me nuts. ‘Where the heck is the washroom?!’ Took me about few minutes roaming around the residence perimeter until I decided to gatecrash the party ‘cause I could sense that the washroom should be in the residence somewhere…it has to. The moment I entered the residence I was amazed with the Victorian interior that I totally forgot my intention to break the washroom door once I found it. And not only that, as I walked myself down the hallway, I met this guy playing the piano. The guy’s face look very familiar. Where have I seen him before but I think it must be from some musical program on the TV.

Half an hour later, we found ourselves spending the evening mingling with Marina’s colleagues with me being half sedated with beer warming up my empty stomach. Under that given condition, I usually have the tendency to get drunk a lot easier. So all the while that I was having the conversation with them, I think I was desperately trying to make myself standing straight by clinging on a table next to me. Gosh!

a good laugh it is

Seven minutes past nine in the evening, I think I’ll be better off leaving the deserted office rather than staying here unable to do anything productive. As I walked out of the office, I can sense the uneasy feeling slowing down my footsteps since I know, by tomorrow, I have much more to do, so it leaves me with no other option but to stay back up till nine something. While I’m at it, Joshua called me up and as I’ve expected, he is asking me to help him in fixing the pc back home. But the last thing that I seem to recalled before I hang up the phone was that we have one big chuckle over something that I said…ah how I miss this younger brother of mine.

outing with them housemates...as usual

Woke up late today…so went down to the living room and saw my housemates already down there sitting at the comfy couch. As we were discussing place to go for the late lunch…I cant help but to wonder what the heck is ‘The Curve’ anyway coz I’ve just read about it from the newspaper…so that was when we decided to go to Damansara all the way from Cheras and yes I realized the distance despite knowing how hungry I was. So I hope to get there in no time.

So off we go. As we were about to reach the place, Marina was playing some guessing game with Ady while I was so intimately attached to my Dan Brown book, reading it sentence by sentence… when I decided to help Ady for this one particular question by hinting him with a definitely wrong answer…I mean instead of ‘Westlife’ (it’s so obvious) it’s ‘Lifehouse’. Which coz Ady and I broke into laughter. As we were laughing, I noticed that Marina was not amused by our antic at all…how it’s reminds me of Budin coz he loves to make fun of us, but when it comes to a situation where the jokes is on him instead…he’ll be so pissed off…hahaha?

How long can I keep on living with these nuisances? …sigh…

Holy Sunday?

Dad called me last night and of all the things that he said, sounded like he’s quite concern for my lack of commitment in attending the weekly Sunday Mass. So as I woke up this morning, I thought to myself what is to happen to me when I’m fully aware that I’m lacking in faith and principles in my life…and who wouldn’t be anxious if knowing that they just turn 27 but still feel that they’re not ready for adulthood…I guess that’s where the ‘inside every man, there is a child who wants to play’ phrase comes in handy for me…The funny thing is that it took me quite some time to convince myself to go to church hoping that I may get the spiritual redemption in return.

Walking toward the St. John Cathedral, I keep reminding myself of my last visit to this very same church for an evening mass…I think it was about a few years back…the church was quite crowded, I stood outside during the mass session. But this time, I came a bit earlier so that I would be able to sit preferably up front row. Few minutes after settling in the front row seat, I felt contempt for not doing anything more but sitting. So I took out the Dan Brown book and began to read it meticulously. I think by doing just that, I could sense the irony cause the book that I was reading has the reputation of condemning the Roman Catholic Church for it well hidden centuries-old dark secret. Anyway, a book is still nonetheless a book (but reading it while I was in the church? That’s another thing)…coz what matter most is that I was there for the first time since the last Christmas mass.

I have fulfilled my spiritual needs…indeed.